MAKER: Holy Trinity Creations (An Equal Opportunity Employer)
UNITS AFFECTED: All Humans
CATEGORY: Eternal Life Threatening
REQUIRED ACTION: Immediate Regeneration
HEAVEN: In the biggest recall the world has ever known, the Creator of the universe is recalling all human units - regardless of race, gender, or date of delivery.
Due to a problem within the primary control center, all human units fail to meet the Creator’s original high standard for flawless operation. This condition developed in the original prototype units, code-named “Adam & Eve”, and has subsequently replicated itself and infected all units reproduced since. The technical term for this inherited condition is SIN (Subsequent Immoral Nature). The Creator, who is neither liable or at fault for this condition, is offering free and unmerited assistance for the restoration of all affected units.
SYMPTOMS: This “SIN” condition is characterized by an ill-behaved and sometimes irrational mental component in cahoots with various submissive organs and limbs; predisposed to offensive, insensitive and incoherent vocal emissions and gestures. Symptoms may include: Amnesia of origin, delusion of purpose, fear of extinction, pursuit of self-gratification, the use of deception, feelings of depression, absence of motivation, lack of compassion and understanding, and acts of aggression.
REPORTED INJURIES: Since the days of antiquity, the Creator has received countless reports of cruelty, slander and deception; causing untold suffering and injury to the physical, mental and spiritual components of companion units - and extensive damage to their habitat.
WHAT TO DO: The Creator has enlisted the help of millions of rehabilitated companion units from around the world, and from all walks of life, to assist affected units, regardless of symptoms, with the simple and painless JESUS plan (Justification Ensuring Soul’s Ultimate Salvation). All units should immediately seek out a rehabilitated unit to obtain information about the location of the nearest restoration center.
TRAINING MANUAL: Because of the unyielding nature of this condition, all human units are strongly encouraged to read and study the BIBLE (Believer’s Instructions Before Leaving Earth). This divinely inspired book exposes the nature of the human unit, the way to regeneration, and the Creator’s plan for eternal security and happiness.
EXPECTED RESULTS: Restored units will exhibit varying degrees of improvement, with many of the units exhibiting an elevated level of humility and self-control over the physical unit, a demonstration of compassion and love for companion units, a feeling of content within their own economic and social environments, an understanding of the nature of pain and suffering, and will acknowledge their origin and corresponding obligations.
ETERNAL BENEFITS: Regenerated units are at peace with their environment, united with their Creator, and receive His promise of an eternal life filled with immeasurable happiness.
SOLEMN WARNING: Let it be known, that all affected units are subject to an unexpected, sudden, and permanent scrapping into a sizzling inferno known as the “lake of fire”. And while a great number of units have already sought regeneration, a far larger number continue to operate “as is”, with no sense of urgency or obligation. This represents an unnecessary risk and a foolish wager.
**** RECALL NOTICE ****
FOR IMMEDIATE PUBLICATION